The Cabal of Multinational Corporations is pleased to formally announce RepubliCorp™, a new combined entity following our complete merger with the Republican Party. RepubliCorp™ combines the ethics-free campaign savvy of the GOP with the limit-free spending power of Corporate America™.

This merger is precisely timed: With the recent Citizens United ruling finally placing the United States Government on the open market, RepubliCorp™ is now perfectly positioned to lead our hostile takeover bid, currently scheduled for completion on November 2nd, 2010.

With RepubliCorp-approved candidates poised to win majority market share in the next cycle, we can roll out our…

LEGISLATIVE AGENDA

* REPARATIONS FOR BP AND OTHER MULTINATIONAL CORPORATIONS: The United States needs to formally apologize to BP for making them clean up their oil-related externalities, Goldman Sachs for not having bailed them out sooner, and Enron for false and upsetting accusations — and follow it up with monetary compensation.

* OPEN PURCHASE OF ELECTIONS: No more shame! The American electoral process will be streamlined like never before. Campaigns will no longer be plagued with clumsily justified donations to tawdry front groups – we’ll decide elections on the bidding floor, as our founding fathers probably intended.

* VOTING RIGHTS FOR CORPORATE CITIZENS: The Supreme Court has recognized that corporate citizens are definitively people – and yet, it has refused to grant corporate citizens the right to vote in our purchased Elections™. The last time there was a mass of citizens unable to vote, it was called Jim Crow – and while our Diversity Officer Rand Paul™ has recognized that the market would have solved the civil rights problem eventually, we are convinced that this time an activist approach is required, and Congress should pass a Corporate Voting Rights Act.

* A BRAVE NEW MARKET-DRIVEN HEALTHCARE SOLUTION: No more Obamacare! Instead, the organs of the poor will be made available on the futures trading market. Working people can purchase health coverage by selling a kidney or a cornea for some more fiscally responsible upper 2%-er. This is merely the wise invisible hand of the free market at work, only this time it’s holding a rusty scalpel.

*END SOCIAL SECURITY, BEGIN CORPORATE SECURITY: Social Security, AKA Socialism, AKA Grandma Hush Money, will obviously be abolished. Payroll taxes, however, will NOT be abolished (at least for the non-ultrawealthy). That money will now flow into a more efficient rewards system, the Corporate Security Fund. Workers will now pay 12.5% of their paychecks directly to the Security Fund, which will go towards paying for bank bailouts, oil company disasters, and, most importantly, the $1B+ hard-work parachutes for retiring CEO’s. Just think of how much quicker and more efficient the next financial crisis will be.

* SOLVING YOUR MORTGAGE CRISIS: We will immediately evict ALL so-called “homeowners” who have missed one or more mortgage payments. The GOP™ will personally hire professional auctioneers from Sotheby’s to auction off your home to whoever is walking by the minute you have been evicted. They know how to talk fast and hit the gavel like in the old days – lending an authentic turn-of-the-century feel for the corporate executive who enjoys period drama.

Our legislative agenda may seem almost supernatural in its broad reach over our lives. But hey, we’re not witches, as our delightful Spiritual Advisor Christine O’Donnell™ has firmly established. Frankly, we don’t have to be; our power as titans of the corporate-political world is so all-encompassing that supernatural powers would be redundant. We are you – just bigger, richer, and without compassion or empathy slowing us down.

Welcome to the Friendly Hostile Takeover. You brought this on yourself. Now, help us to help us.